If you’ve been around kids long enough, you’ll know that they all have something in common. No, it’s not that they all breathe the same air, play with toys, or even the notion that everybody poops. It’s something far worse.

They have the power to induce head splitting migraines and the ability to encourage strange looks of passerby’s. How? They throw temper tantrums and temper tantrums can bring out the worst in children. Why? Because children are little honey badgers – that is, they don’t give a shit when they’re mad.

Some say that that temper tantrums are as bad as earthquakes, while others claim they are more like hurricanes destroying everything in their path. All I know, is that I wouldn’t describe them as either. Temper tantrums are directly related to global thermonuclear war. It’s God’s way of saying that physical punishment is ok unless you want to face the consequences. It’s a warning for what will happen next, because there’s no such thing as a subtle temper tantrum.

They’ll kick doors down with the haste of a marching band’s snare drummer, squish miniature hamburgers with both fists in fury, or push each other in an interpersonal mosh pit only to stop when someone starts bleeding or the cops (parents) show up. They’ll do just about anything to let their rage out and persuade others into doing their bidding. And that’s the worst part: you always give in unless you’re personally addicted to pain and suffering.

Above is is a photo of the remains of two small hamburgers. They were squished by both fists in pure and utter rage. Why? They’re made of the same meat as their larger cousin: the single burger, but boy do they taste differently.

I cannot tell you how or why they taste differently, but I can tell you that one child in particular surely doesn’t like having two half sized hamburgers for dinner. In fact, said child, must have one full size burger. It’s the same meat, same cooking process, but entirely different perceived taste. So what happened? The miniature-incredible-hulk erupted in full force crushing each miniature burger with rage and disgust. In short, she went into berserker mode and nothing was going to stop her from getting her way.

It’s interesting watching these miniature human like creatures lose their mind and it doesn’t matter where you are, either. It could be on the outdoor patio of a restaurant downtown or in a public event on main street surrounded by hundreds of people who are also your neighbors. Really, it doesn’t matter.

In-fact, maybe it’s a sign we should be more like our miniature human counterpart. I mean, they have bigger balls of courage to kick, scream, and yell to do whatever it takes to get their way. They are the ultimate achievers. They never miss a beat. It’s sort of like the story of an entrepreneur doing whatever it takes to achieve his dream, but in this case it’s a big single patty juicy hamburger.

And that was her dream. Box checked, goal achieved, and time to conserve energy for the next expedition.

…there are two kinds of people in this world: those who stand up and face the music, and those who run for cover. Cover is better. -Lt. Col. Frank Slade